NFL vs the Roman Pope vs kids/women

NFLSven Andreas WallinYeah for the NFL. They are doing some­thing about their domes­tic abuse cases.

I have an opin­ion about it (no sur­prise). One good thing this whole mess is that it reminds play­ers that domes­tic vio­lence is a major no-no. Seri­ously. Play­ers now have prece­dence. They see there’s no car­rot and only a big stick in hit­ting peo­ple off the field. Break­ing this behav­ior stan­dard gets a player more than just a yardage penalty.

One thing the NFL has done wrong is allow­ing this to go on far too long. There should have been edu­ca­tion and coun­sel­ing before things got out of hand.

 

S.N.A.P.

I am a mem­ber of SNAP (Sur­vivors Net­work of those Abused by Priests). Way back when Mass was in Latin, I was abused by priests. Three of them. I have never asked for com­pen­sa­tion, but I made sure those preda­tors were kept away from kids.

pope logoSNAP is mark­ing its 25th anniver­sary. Goody for them.

The Coun­cil of Trent (1500s) could have threat­ened hell­fire to its ini­ti­ates and employ­ees over pedophilia, hebephilia, and ephebophilia. There were damn­ing words for gays, but Rome was silent about abuse.

I think it’s awe­some that SNAP has worked hard for 25 years. They are an out­side group, put together by vic­tims because Rome dug trenches and played games with the lives of their young adherents.

It’s shame­ful that the Vat­i­can has had an awful record of con­trol­ling the preda­tors on their pay­roll. Rome needs to say some Hail Marys for wait­ing until vic­tims started screaming.

Ditto for Amer­i­can foot­ball. Kudos for telling their employ­ees to stop beat­ing up spouses, mates, and kid­dies. I wish they’d done this the instant they detected a prob­lem (and I don’t believe for one sec­ond that the cur­rent cases are the league’s first).

Rebooting the Whole Name Thingy

Sven Andréas Wallin in 2014

Sven Andréas Wallin

I want to say that my name change is done. That’d be rosier than the rose tint of my migraine glasses.

I get every­thing done. No, for real this time. And yet Mother Earth can swing around, giv­ing a robust brown­ish fart-cloud of chal­lenges. Here comes a bushel of com­pa­nies and gov­ern­ment agen­cies who don’t know about the ‘new” me.

Done” is a rel­a­tive term.

If I ever sug­gest another name change, just shoot me.

For any­body who cares, here’s what hap­pened— I was born into The Sys­tem, where they put aban­doned and orphaned tod­dlers. When I was still a young­ster, I was adopted.

My real birth name (fos­ter care name) was Sven. Some­body was mak­ing a funny because Sven means “lit­tle kid.”

It’s been over a decade since my adopted par­ents moved on to another plane. It was just me and the froth of hatred and abuse they sent my way. Seri­ously. The creepy cousins don’t mat­ter to me today. I won’t allow more phys­i­cal or sex­ual abuse.

Sven was my orig­i­nal given name. Fun fact: If you look for “Saint Sven,” you won’t find it in any major reli­gion. Svens are scalawags. The coun­try of Esto­nia too pity on all the Svens up there. Esto­nia has a yearly fes­ti­val called Svens’ Day. If it weren’t for them, I/we would never have a day of my/our own. I wasn’t aware of this defect in so many of our reli­gions when I started the name change process. “We have the answer,” they say. They don’t say what the ques­tion is. If it has any­thing to do with Saint Sven, they are annoy­ingly silent.
Andréas was the name of a Cop­tic (Egypt­ian) priest. If I want to cause trou­ble, it is also the name of a gigan­tic earth­quake fault in California.
My hus­band picked Wallin. The word some­how means “meadow.” The Urban­Dic­tionary has another take: “Used to describe a person/s who are act­ing crazy, reck­less, ridicu­lous, etc” That site says it is also the name of a Swedish rap­per. (oy)

 

The scary changes turned out to be sim­ple. I feared Social Secu­rity, but I was in and out in ten min­utes. Really. The deed for my house was so ridicu­lously sim­ple that I won­der why steal­ing land hasn’t been more common.

The com­pa­nies that I thought would be a snap became lit­tle green night­mares, rolling around my feet. Amer­i­can Express was horrendous.

apple-logoAPPLE was the weird­est expe­ri­ence ever. I was told that one’s AppleID is per­ma­nent and indeli­ble. “Yeah, we’ll see about that,” I thought. “No way to bend, fold, sta­ple, or muti­latemuti­late
➤ (v) destroy or injure severely
➤ (v) alter so as to make unrec­og­niz­able
➤ (v) destroy or injure severely
…by BeeDictionary.com
my AppleID. Most of those IDs are easy to change. Mine is one of the first IDs issued. It was in their con­vo­lutedcon­vo­luted
➤ (s) rolled lon­gi­tu­di­nally upon itself
➤ (s) highly com­plex or intri­cate and occa­sion­ally devi­ous
…by BeeDictionary.com
ID period. My AppleID is stored in dozens of data­bases, and none of the data­bases works or plays well with each other. Engi­neers in Cuper­tino rightly made the rule: none of those old IDs can be changed. I was able to cre­ate a shiny new AppleID, but I would lose all the apps and music that I’ve bought over the years.

Wow… frig­gin’ wow. I had to get Apple CEO Tim Cook involved. He assigned an Apple exec­u­tive to be my fear­less cham­pion. The exec had to trace the changes around dif­fer­ent depart­ments. Fun to watch, by the way.

Här är jag! Vem är du?

The cou­ple that adopted me did their best. It was a rocky rela­tion­ship: I came down with Hodgkin’s Lym­phoma within a year of my adop­tion. I never heard if they kept the receipt or even if the adop­tion agency (Vol­un­teers of Amer­ica, now Lena Pope Home) would charge a restock­ing fee if they had to take me back. Maybe they had an extended war­ranty on me.

My adopted parental units didn’t pick their families.

Not a “real” rel­a­tive, they chanted in four-part har­mony. No queer could ever be part of “our” fam­ily. Mom seemed embar­rassed about their antics. After she died, I learned that she threat­ened a few if they didn’t sim­mer down and behave.

Except for some sex­ual abuse, I never felt endan­gered. I thought they were being silly. “What are you, 12?” I asked one uncle.

Today I just want the entire group out of my life. Hence, the name change.

It’s all good today. A friend who also came up through the sys­tem says she knew I was a street kid. She say orphans have a mist of scrap­pi­ness that fol­lows them around. She said she can really relax around other street kids because she knows we don’t break (not eas­ily any­ways). She calls it a will­ing­ness to face what­ever life serves with a “Bring It!” attitude.

Janie Saved My Life

Janie Marroquin

Rosita Maria Marroquin

I want to tell you about Janie Mar­ro­quin, the per­son who saved my life and kept me out of jail. She got in my face a few times, alleg­ing that I shouldn’t go to my job absolutely plas­tered on heroin or wacked on psilocybin.

I was a news­caster. Janie thought the sta­tion would have some kind of min­i­mum expec­ta­tions on my abil­ity not to slurslur
➤ (n) (music) a curved line span­ning notes that are to be played legato
➤ (n) a dis­parag­ing remark
➤ (n) a blem­ish made by dirt
➤ (v) play smoothly or legato
➤ (v) speak dis­parag­ingly of; e.g., make a racial slur
➤ (v) utter indis­tinctly
➤ (v) become vague or indis­tinct
…by BeeDictionary.com
words. She insin­u­ated that I couldn’t focus my atten­tion on some­thing as sim­ple as a cof­fee mug, so I prob­a­bly couldn’t parse and report on the Viet­nam War. (This was in the early 1970s).

Today, I under­stand the idea. Being stoned on the radio never worked for me. Maybe I’m a wimp who couldn’t hold my phar­ma­ceu­ti­cals. At the time, I decided Janie had become some kind of tool for radio/TV executives.

She’d diag­nose my sit­u­a­tion on Sun­day, not­ing that I’d been wasted for the whole week­end… uncon­scious for lots of hours. Janie would ignore me when my lan­guage got testy… like me say­ing she was more like a drunk moth than a friend.

She called my boss a few times, telling him that I had laryngitis.

She was gen­tle but in my face. When she “threat­ened” me with con­se­quences, Janie never backed down. It turns out that’s vital to work­ing with addicts. You can’t “give in.” The addict will think the per­son is bru­tal or doesn’t understand.

She was brutal. ;)

You are such a tool,” I once said.

Io sé, güera,” she laughed.

Janie finally got through to me in 1980. That was the last time I put booze down my throat and junk under my skin. Not once since then.

Sev­eral years ago, I wrote a book about a news­caster try­ing to get sober. It’s fic­tion, of course.

The book is Com­mit­ment Issues It hasn’t been a huge seller, but I think it is one of my most impor­tant titles. Not the slick­est. Not the fun­ni­est (but I wrote it, so there’s plenty of dark/edgy humor). It let me pass along some real hap­pen­ings about gay peo­ple in AA, shortly after that group was founded. It lets read­ers know how com­pletely sup­port­ive AA co-founder “Bill W” was. I include lots of my own expe­ri­ences and hopes get­ting off chem­i­cals. It’s a lot more auto­bi­o­graph­i­cal than the blurb says.

There’s a char­ac­ter named Janie Mar­ro­quin. Every­one in the book always used her full name. It was “Janie Mar­ro­quin” with no real explanation.

Now… I can give you an expla­na­tion: it was me say­ing Thank you, Janie.

The char­ac­ter isn’t the real life Janie. Seri­ously. I used her full name as a kind of shout-out. I put Janie’s full name into a book that will live in the pro­tected archivesarchives
➤ (n) col­lec­tion of records espe­cially about an insti­tu­tion
…by BeeDictionary.com
of the Library of Con­gress.

Before the book came out, I told her about the char­ac­ter. As I recall, she basi­cally said, “Ch**gou, puto.” she said through her laugh­ter. Her tone was famil­iar: the sing-song stage-whisper she used when she wanted me to know she didn’t use such strong words. “Only you make me talk like that,” she once told me.

She said I was nuts, and the book didn’t stand a chance of stay­ing in the Library of  Congress.

My friend Janie died a year ago. I was able to thank her for slap­ping me around all those years ago.

Today (like so many other days) I pray for her soul: Señor con­ceda su eterno des­canso. Y brille sobre ella la luz eterna.

Messing with Texas: Lambast Nation

Don't Mess With TexasRik and I were dri­ving north of Dal­las recently when I saw two new free­way names. The road we were on has been named the Sam John­son High­way. Ick!

In the early 1990, Sam John­son was the right-wing politi­cian who wanted to round up all gay men to put them in a con­cen­tra­tion camp. He said that’s the only way to pro­tect Tex­ans from HIV/AIDS.

John­son is still in Con­gress. His con­stituents think he’s doing a good job.

We crossed a big new road named after Sam Ray­burn. I pre­sume that road goes through Bon­ham, Rayburn’s home. This man was Speaker of the US House of Rep­re­sen­ta­tives. We have the phrase “Yel­low Dog Demo­c­rat” thanks to Speaker Ray­burn. Some­body asked him if he’d ever vote for a Repub­li­can, he said he’d sooner vote for an old “yeller dog.”

Sam Rayburn’s road is big­ger and fancierfancier
➤ (n) a per­son hav­ing a strong lik­ing for some­thing
…by BeeDictionary.com
than Sam Johnson’s. I think he’d lIke that. He was a rar­ity: an hon­est politi­cian. His 17 years as Speaker of the House was the longest tenure in US history.

Speaker of the House Sam Rayburn and then-Senator Lyndon Johnson, two advocates for ccivil rights.

Speaker of the House Sam Ray­burn and then-Senator Lyn­don John­son, two advo­cates for ccivil rights.

Sam Ray­burn was hardly lib­eral, but he knew gov­ern­ment needed to watch out for the poor and dis­en­fran­chised. He’s the one cred­ited with light­ing the fires of civil rights with Lyn­don John­son. There were two com­pet­ing fac­tions in the Texas Demo­c­ra­tic party: lib­eral, conservative.

Texas is cur­rently run by the Sam John­son crowd. It wasn’t always that way.

The Lone Star state gave us Speaker Jim Wright, a lib­eral from Fort Worth (my home­town). He’s a friend. It was fun to watch as my GOP-leaning dad winced when Speaker Wright came to our table in a restau­rant just to say Hi to me. Dad would look around to see if any of his GOP bud­dies were watching.

I worked for some Texas politi­cians: Pre­ston Smith (good-old boy Demo­c­rat). And Sissy Far­en­thold, who would have made an awe­some and lib­eral governor.

Sissy Farenthold

Sissy Far­en­thold

Far­en­thold and Wright couldn’t even get started now. That’s mainly because of what Tom DeLay… an evan­gel­i­cal right-wing politi­cian from south­west of Hous­ton. DeLay pushed hard to get Con­gres­sional dis­tricts redrawn to favor other right-wing can­di­dates. Democ­rats and lib­eral Repub­li­cans have been forced to the back of the bus. Tom DeLay was even­tu­ally con­victed of elec­tions fraud, but his ger­ry­man­dered dis­tricts are still in place.

To get elected in DeLay’s Texas, you have to go hard right because today’s dis­tricts are drawn to give hard right can­di­dates the edge. So we get Louie Gohmert.

After sug­gest­ing that the House move to arrest Eric Holder, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) told Wash­ing­ton Watch host Tony Perkins last week that the push for mar­riage equal­ity under­mines biol­ogy and will inevitably lead the “coun­try down the road to the dust­bin of his­tory.” [RightWingWatch.org]

 

Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX). So many gaffes, so little time.

Rep. Joe Bar­ton (R-TX).
So many gaffes, so lit­tle time.

Joe Bar­ton, a goofy nut­case rep­re­sent­ing a large swath just south of Dal­las, is the one who apol­o­gized to BP when the feds fined them for that big oil spill in the Gulf. He hates wind energy, say­ing a bunch of wind­mills will slow down the world’s winds. His con­stituents are pleased with this guy.

If Texas has any hope for the future, it’s the racial mix. Older white guys are now in the minor­ity. His­pan­ics are in a grow­ing majority.

Until then, I hope to keep,calling out the idiots, mak­ing fun of the nut cases that embar­rass my home state.

So keep fightin’ for free­dom and jus­tice, beloveds, but don’t you for­get to have fun doin’ it. Lord, let your laugh­ter ring forth. Be out­ra­geous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the odd­i­ties that free­dom can pro­duce. [Molly Ivins]

 

On the Pulse of the Morning

The poem from the 1st Inau­gu­ra­tion of Pres­i­dent Bill Clin­ton [Jan­u­ary 20, 1993]

Writ­ten and read by Maya Angelou [1928–2014]

Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou [1928–2014]

A Rock, A River, A Tree
Hosts to species long since departed,
Marked the mastodon,
The dinosaur, who left dried tokens
Of their sojournsojourn
➤ (n) a tem­po­rary stay (e.g., as a guest)
➤ (v) spend a cer­tain length of time; reside tem­porar­ily
…by BeeDictionary.com
here
On our planet floor,
Any broad alarm of their has­ten­ing doom
Is lost in the gloom of dust and ages.

But today, the Rock cries out to us, clearly, force­fully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your dis­tant des­tiny,
But seek no haven in my shadow.
I will give you no hid­ing place down here.

You, cre­ated only a lit­tle lower than
The angels, have crouched too long in
The bruis­ing dark­ness
Have lain too long
Face down in igno­rance.
Your mouths spilling words

Armed for slaugh­ter.
The Rock cries out to us today, you may stand upon me,
But do not hide your face.

Across the wall of the world,
A River sings a beau­ti­ful song. It says,
Come, rest here by my side.

Each of you, a bor­dered coun­try,
Del­i­cate and strangely made proud,
Yet thrust­ing per­pet­u­ally under siege.
Your armed strug­gles for profit
Have left col­lars of waste upon
My shore, cur­rents of debris upon my breast.
Yet today I call you to my river­side,
If you will study war no more. Come,
Clad in peace, and I will sing the songs
The Cre­ator gave to me when I and the
Tree and the rock were one.
Before cyn­i­cism was a bloody searsear
➤ (v) make very hot and dry
➤ (v) become super­fi­cially burned
➤ (v) burn slightly and super­fi­cially so as to affect color
➤ (v) cause to wither or parch from expo­sure to heat
➤ (s) (used espe­cially of veg­e­ta­tion) hav­ing lost all mois­ture
…by BeeDictionary.com
across your
Brow and when you yet knew you still
Knew noth­ing.
The River sang and sings on.

There is a true yearn­ing to respond to
The singing River and the wise Rock.
So say the Asian, the His­panic, the Jew
The African, the Native Amer­i­can, the Sioux,
The Catholic, the Mus­lim, the French, the Greek
The Irish, the Rabbi, the Priest, the Sheik,
The Gay, the Straight, the Preacher,
The priv­i­leged, the home­less, the Teacher.
They hear. They all hear
The speak­ing of the Tree.

They hear the first and last of every Tree
Speak to humankind today. Come to me, here beside the River.
Plant your­self beside the River.

Each of you, descen­dant of some passed
On trav­eller, has been paid for.
You, who gave me my first name, you,
Pawnee, Apache, Seneca, you
Chero­kee Nation, who rested with me, then
Forced on bloody feet,
Left me to the employ­ment of
Other seek­ers — des­per­ate for gain,
Starv­ing for gold.
You, the Turk, the Arab, the Swede, the Ger­man, the Eskimo, the Scot,
You the Ashanti, the Yoruba, the Kru, bought,
Sold, stolen, arriv­ing on the night­mare
Pray­ing for a dream.
Here, root your­selves beside me.
I am that Tree planted by the River,
Which will not be moved.
I, the Rock, I the River, I the Tree
I am yours — your pas­sages have been paid.
Lift up your faces, you have a pierc­ing need
For this bright morn­ing dawn­ing for you.
His­tory, despite its wrench­ing pain
Can­not be unlived, but if faced
With courage, need not be lived again.

Lift up your eyes upon
This day break­ing for you.
Give birth again
To the dream.

Women, chil­dren, men,
Take it into the palms of your hands,
Mold it into the shape of your most
Pri­vate need. Sculpt it into
The image of your most pub­lic self.
Lift up your hearts
Each new hour holds new chances
For a new begin­ning.
Do not be wed­ded for­ever
To fear, yoked eter­nally
To brutishness.

The hori­zon leans for­ward,
Offer­ing you space to place new steps of change.
Here, on the pulse of this fine day
You may have the courage
To look up and out and upon me, the
Rock, the River, the Tree, your coun­try.
No less to Midas than the men­di­cant.
No less to you now than the mastodon then.

Here, on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister’s eyes, and into
Your brother’s face, your coun­try
And say sim­ply
Very sim­ply
With hope –
Good morning.

Surprising Ally in the Jock-infested Trench

The Setup

 

Dale Hansen is a TV sports­caster on the ABC affil­i­ate in Dal­las. He’d say he is assertive, a tough inter­view who isn’t shy about hold­ing people’s feet to the right amount of camp­fire. Many say he’s just a bully who lacks nuancenuance
➤ (n) a sub­tle dif­fer­ence in mean­ing or opin­ion or atti­tude
…by BeeDictionary.com
and manners.

When he did some opin­ion pieces in sup­port of Michael Sam and other gay ath­letes, I was sur­prised. He had opin­ions; he shared them on TV. I lis­tened and didn’t have an urge to throw any­thing at the tube.

He became enough of a phe­nom that Ellen Degeneres invited him to be a guest on her show.

Now he has done it again. Click on the image to see his May 11, 2014 seg­ment. My opin­ion: not too shabby for an old white straight guy.


 

A Note

 

Here is a note that I sent to Dale Hansen about his “Unplugged” segment…

 

Dale,

I’ve been sur­prised (in a good way) at your “Unplugged” opin­ions on Michael Sam. In fact, I take back some of the impo­lite things I’ve said to your mov­ing image on the tube over the years.

Mr Sam was drafted late in the last round, but that’s okay. I can make a case that his stats say it was right on the mark.

What­ever. What’s impor­tant is that he was drafted, and ESPN filmed him hav­ing a good reac­tion, shar­ing the moment’s joy with the peo­ple in his life. ESPN filmed it. Aired it. But they mainly dis­cussed football.

I’m sure ESPN had a staff meet­ing on Michael Sam. It showed. There were no oops moments. ESPN han­dled things like they were cov­er­ing a foot­ball story. There weren’t any deri­sive words that get com­pa­nies all the wrong kinds of atten­tion from activists (rais­ing hand).

So kudos, I guess. Y’all did your jobs. Sportscasting.

I am so glad he wasn’t picked for the Cow­boys. On the other hand, I thought the 49ers or Raiders might draft him. I would have loved to see him up in Boston. Sam with Tom Brady and that new QB… holy moly. For a gay guy, that ros­ter is a heart attack just wait­ing to happen.

St Louis works, and I wish the Rams all the best.

Val­ley Ranch is another mat­ter. I “dated” a Dal­las Cow­boy. He lived in ter­ror that some­body would find out he was boink­ing a sports­caster from K-104. But he did boink me, and I was some­thing of a Catch back then. It wasn’t fun being a gay player for the NFL. It was unhealthy. It drained energy that he could have used to focus his Sun­days. I feel so sorry for all those guys who tried to play while lying about who they are.

There’s one other thing. Your past. You were cute back in The Day… not a run-for-the-bank stud muf­fin… but eas­ily cute.

On your WFAA seg­ment, you were whin­ing that nobody hit on you. Oh please… wear a cup, man.

I remem­ber a time back in the Irv­ing sta­dium when you ran me out of the TV area. TV had some seri­ous bar­be­cue. The radio booth down at the end zone had a hor­ri­ble view and zero food. None. Zilch.

And you came between me and the bar­be­cue because you made me go down to sit with the other radio sports­cast­ers. Not likely I’m going to hit on some­body after they deny my Texas birthright (barbecue).

I used to be a looker. Way back. Just so we have every­thing out there, you never hit on me.

And we are both too old now, so.…..

 

 
What hasn’t been said is this: gay kids rarely have soci­ol­ogy on their side. Kids have these rag­ing hor­mones, but soci­ety hasn’t let them see exam­ples on what to do with them. Gay kids feel like they are on their own. They make things up as they go along.

Some­times what the gay kids invent is wrong or weird. They don’t know because they’re doofy kids with pim­ples, and they’ve never done a lov­ing rela­tion­ship before. There aren’t many books or own­ers’ man­u­als: “Being a Gay Kid for Dummies”

Michael Sam and Vito (boyfriend) gave these kids a role model.

ESPN recorded them kiss­ing, like so many of the boy/girl cou­ples were doing. Gay kids were able to say, “Ok, that’s a good way to react.”

Sports­cast­ers, coaches, and play­ers kept the dis­cus­sion to football.

Well played, foot­ball guys. Well played.
 

Yellowstone Shakes

yellowstone-02
A 4.8 mag­ni­tude earth­quake has me a lit­tle ner­vous. It hap­pened Sun­day (3/30/2014). To some­body in Cal­i­for­nia, Ecuador, or Haiti, that’s noth­ing. This rat­tler was in Yellowstone.

Yel­low­stone is drop-dead gor­geous and the first part of the US set aside as a Nat­ural Park. It’s also a huge super-volcano (caldera). There’ve been mega-blasts over the past 18-million years, includ­ing 2.1 mil­lion, 1.3 mil­lion and 640k years ago. That most recent erup­tion put 240 cubic miles of debris into the atmos­phere. It’s enough to ruin your whole day anywhere.

Earth­quakes are com­monly caused by move­ment in con­ti­nen­tal plates. Around a vol­cano, earth­quakes often mean lava is on the move.

Lava under Yellowstone’s is mov­ing, and its stun­ning plateau is ris­ing. Geol­o­gists aren’t sound­ing any alarms that I’ve heard, but they’re keep­ing their eye on the 1260 square mile volcano.

Gulp. May the liq­uid under my favorite US National Park be calm for a very long time.

yellowstone-01yellowstone-03


 

Pinky and the Brain: the ponderings

Pinky and the Brain

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this hour?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where will we find an open tat­too par­lor at this time of night?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we didn’t have ears, we’d look like weasels.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find rub­ber pants our size?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but bal­anc­ing a fam­ily and a career … oooh, it’s all too much for me.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but isn’t Regis Philbin already married?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but it’s a mir­a­cle that this one grew back (hold­ing left leg).

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but you’d have to take that whole bridge apart then, wouldn’t you?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, but how are we gonna teach a goat to dance with flip­pers on?

 

    • Don Cere­bro: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Don Cere­bro, but why would Sophia Loren do a musical?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if Clark Kent wore con­tact lenses, wouldn’t he look just like Superman?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if Mul­der wore the skirt, wouldn’t Scully have to walk around naked?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but first you’d have to take that whole bridge apart, wouldn’t you? 

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour? 

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where will we find an open tat­too par­lor at this time of night?

 

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we didn’t have ears, we’d look like weasels.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find rub­ber pants our size?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but bal­anc­ing a fam­ily and a career … ooh, it’s all too much for me.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but isn’t Regis Philbin already mar­ried?
      but burlap chafes me so.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how are we going to find chaps our size?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but we’ll never get a mon­key to use den­tal floss.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but are you pon­der­ing cheese sticks?
      but this time, you wear the tutu.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but culottes have a ten­dency to ride up so.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we cov­ered the world in salad dress­ing wouldn’t the aspar­gus feel left out?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if they called them ‘Sad Meals’, kids wouldn’t buy them!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Long­stock­ing — I mean, what would the chil­dren look like?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what would Pippi Long­stock­ing look like with her hair straight?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I can’t mem­o­rize a whole opera in Yiddish.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but there’s still a bug stuck in here from last time.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I get all clammy inside the tent.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I don’t think Kaye Ballard’s in the union.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but, the Rock­ettes? I mean, it’s mostly girls, isn’t it?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but pants with hor­i­zon­tal stripes make me look fat.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where do you stick the feather and call it macaroni?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but panty­hose are so uncom­fort­able in the summertime.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but it’s a mir­a­cle that this one grew back.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but first you’d have to take that whole bridge apart, wouldn’t you?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but ‘apply North Pole’ to what?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but snort no, no, it’s too stupid!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but, umm, why would Sophia Loren do a musical?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what if the chicken won’t wear the nylons?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but isn’t that why they invented tube socks?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what if we stick to the seat covers?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if you replace the ‘P’ with an ‘O’, my name would be Oinky, wouldn’t it?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I think I’d rather eat the Macarena.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Kevin Cost­ner with an Eng­lish accent?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but don’t you need a swim­ming pool to play Marco Polo?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, but do I really need two tongues?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but we’re already naked.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but don’t camels spit a lot?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how will we get a pair of Abe Vigoda’s pants?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Pete Rose? I mean, can we trust him?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but isn’t a cucum­ber that small called a gherkin?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we get Sam Spade, we’ll never have any puppies.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how can we get seven dwarves to shave their legs?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but call­ing it pu-pu plat­ter? Huh, what were they thinking?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how will we get the Spice Girls into the paella?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain,
      “I think so, Brain, but if we give peas a chance, won’t the lima beans feel left out?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I am run­ning for mayor of Don­key­town and Tues­days are booked.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we had a snow­mo­bile, wouldn’t it melt before summer?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what kind of rides do they have in Fabioland?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but can the Gummi Worms really live in peace with the Marsh­mal­low Chicks?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but wouldn’t any­thing lose its fla­vor on the bed­post overnight?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but three round meals a day wouldn’t be as hard to swallow.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if the plural of mouse is mice, wouldn’t the plural of spouse be spice?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but three men in a tub? Ooh, that’s unsanitary!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but why does the chicken cross the road, huh, if not for love? I do not know.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I pre­fer Space Jelly.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if our knees bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how will we get three pink flamin­gos into one pair of Capri pants?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Tues­day Weld isn’t a com­plete sentence.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but why would any­one want to see Snow White and the Seven Samurai?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I find scratch­ing just makes it worse.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but shouldn’t the bat boy be wear­ing a cape?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but why would any­one want a depressed tongue?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but why would any­one want to Pierce Brosnan?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: Methinks so, Brain, ver­ily, but dost thou think Pete Rose by any other name would still smell as sweaty?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but wouldn’t his movies be more suit­able for chil­dren if he was named Jean-Claude van Darn?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but will they let the Cran­berry Duchess stay in the Lin­coln Bedroom?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but why does a fork­lift have to be so big if all it does is lift forks?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if it was only sup­posed to be a three hour tour, why did the How­ells bring all their money?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Zero Mos­tel times any­thing will still give you Zero Mostel.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we have noth­ing to fear but fear itself, why does Eleanor Roo­sevelt wear that spooky mask?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what if the hip­popota­mus won’t wear the beach thong?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Leder­ho­sen won’t stretch that far.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I thought Madonna already had a steady bloke!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what would goats be doing in red leather turbans?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how would we ever deter­mine San­dra Bullock’s shoe size?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how do we get Twiggy to pose with an elec­tric goose?

 

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but wouldn’t mus­tard make it sting?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but can you use the word ‘asphalt’ in polite society?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if the sun’ll come out tomor­row, what’s it doing right now?

 

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: Oh yes, Brain! Remind me to tape all our phone calls!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I hear Hillary is the jeal­ous type.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Madonna’s stock is sinking.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but does ‘Chunk o’ Cheesy’s’ deliver pack­ing material?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we’re Dan­ish, where’s the cream cheese? Narf!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I don’t think news­pa­per will fit in my underoos.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but after eat­ing news­pa­per all day, do I really need the extra fiber?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but isn’t a dread­lock hair exten­sion awfully expensive?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but will any­one other than Eski­mos buy blubber-flavored chew­ing gum?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but the oint­ment expired weeks ago!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but would the vil­lains really have got­ten away with it, if it weren’t for those pesky kids and their dog?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how are we gonna teach a goat to dance with flip­pers on?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but let’s use saf­flower oil this time! It’s ever so much healthier!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Cream of Gorilla Soup—well, we’d have to sell it in awfully big cans, wouldn’t we?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if he left choco­late bul­lets instead of sil­ver, they’d get all runny and gooey!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, but do nuts go with pudding?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but a cod­piece made from a real fish would get smelly after a while, wouldn’t it?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain… *gag* …but I didn’t know Annette used peanut but­ter in that way.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but do those roost in this neighborhood?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but is the world ready for angora bell­bot­toms? I mean I can see wear­ing them inside out, but that would—

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Com­man­der Brain from Outer Space! But do we have time to grease the rockets?

 

    • Doc­tor: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Doc­tor. But are these really the legs of a show girl?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but this time I get to play the dish­washer repairman.

 

    • Brainius: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinkus: I think so, Brainius. But what if a sud­den wind were to blow up my toga?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Tro­jans won’t arrive on the scene for another 300 years.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where would a yak put PVC tubing?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, but… but if Charl­ton Hes­ton doesn’t eat Soy­lent Green, what will he eat?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where would you get a chicken, 20 yards of span­dex and smelling salts at this hour?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Ben Vereen never answered our proposition.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but wouldn’t an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie, yel­low polka-dot one-piece be bet­ter suited for my figure?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but won’t it go straight to my hips?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but isn’t it cheat­ing to use glue?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if run­ning shoes had lit­tle feet, wouldn’t they need their own shoes?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what if the Earl of Essex doesn’t like burlap pantaloons?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but should we use dish­wash­ing liq­uid or cook­ing oil?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but would Dan­ish flies work just as well?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but dress­ing like twins is so tacky.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but prac­tic­ing dock­ing pro­ce­dures with a goat at zero G’s—it’s never been done!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but shouldn’t we let the silk worms fin­ish the boxer shorts before we put them on?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain. You draw the bath and I’ll fetch the alka-seltzers and candles!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but the real trick will be get­ting Demi Moore out of the creamed corn!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if a ham can oper­ate a radio, why can’t a pig set a VCR?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, But you’d think [Lyn­don John­son would] have left room for baby-kissing, wouldn’t you?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but won’t Mr. Hoover notice a miss­ing evening gown?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what’s the use of hav­ing a heart-shaped tat­too if it’s going to be cov­ered by hair?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but couldn’t the con­stant use of a henna rinse lead to pre­ma­ture baldness?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain. Just make sure we don’t swal­low each other’s bubbles!

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but ruby-studded stock­ings would be mighty uncom­fort­able wouldn’t they?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if I have my por­trait drawn, will we have time to make it to the lifeboats?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but is Chippendale’s ready for ‘The Full Pinky?’

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but do I have what it takes to be the ‘Lord of the Dance’?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain. How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren’t sponges down there?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but doing a clog dance in actual clogs will give me awful blisters.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but nose rings are kinda passé by now.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to get a trained octo­pus at this time of night?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but no more eels in jelly for me, thanks—I like my gelatin after lunch.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I didn’t know 90210 was a real zip code! Will Tori be there?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but what if the Telechub­bies don’t fight fairly?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, But even if we found a tuxedo to fit a blow­fish, who would marry it?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but my feet taste bet­ter but­tered.” Then I gri­maced and I shud­dered at his typ­i­cal reply.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if Pinoc­chio were carved out of bacon it wouldn’t be the same story, would it?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but wasn’t Dicky Ducky released on his own reconnaissance?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Pep­per Ann makes me sneeze.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but sup­pose we do the hokey pokey and turn our­selves around, is that what it’s really all about?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but just how will we get the weasel to hold still?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how are we going to get the bacon fla­vor­ing into the pencils?

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but instant karma’s always so lumpy.

 

    • Brain: Are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
    • Pinky: I think so, Brain, but she’d never leave Mickey.

 


  • Brain: Pinky, are you pon­der­ing what I’m pondering?
  • Pinky: Whoof, oh, I’d have to say the odds of that are ter­ri­bly slim, Brain.
  • Brain: True.
  • Pinky: I mean, really, when have I ever been pon­der­ing what you’ve been pondering?
  • Brain: To my knowl­edge, never.
  • Pinky: Exactly. So, what are the chances that this time, I’m pon­der­ing what you’re pondering?
  • Brain: Next to nil.
  • Pinky: Well, that’s exactly what I’m think­ing, too.
  • Brain: There­fore, you are pon­der­ing what I’m pondering.
  • Pinky: Poit, I guess I am!

English Phonetics

English Phonetics

  • Pho­netic” doesn’t start with an F
  • Lisp” has an s in it. That’s just mean.
  • Amer­i­cans park on a dri­ve­way but drive on a parkway
  • Ono­matopoeic” isn’t onomatopoeic
  • Palin­drome” isn’t a palindrome
  • Frac­tion” is a whole word
  • If we have moth and mother, what’s a mothest?
  • If we have broth and brother, what’s a brothest?

Naming Convention


Sven WallinWow, that was basi­cally an auto­bi­og­ra­phy,” my friend John said after he read my book, BRENT: THE HEART READER.

Busted. Brent’s fam­ily is full of goody two-shoed Duck’tards, who exudeexude
➤ (v) release (a liq­uid) in drops or small quan­ti­ties
➤ (v) make appar­ent by one’s mood or behav­ior
…by BeeDictionary.com
homo­pho­bia. Their idea of fun included phys­i­cal and emo­tional abuse and at least one case of man-on-boy rape. I’m not a “real rel­a­tive” accord­ing to them.

I lifted much of that from my expe­ri­ence with the rel­a­tives of the cou­ple that adopted me. They res­cued me from fos­ter care, and I am as grate­ful for that as I know how to be. “The sys­tem” was awful. Thank good­ness I only spent six years there. Almost imme­di­ately after I was adopted, I was diag­nosed with Hodgkin’s Lym­phoma, and the cou­ple that adopted me got me the best med­ical care that was avail­able. I will be grate­ful to them for that (and all the other things they did) as long as I live.

Brent: the Heart Reader

They’ve been dead for 10 years (mom) and 12 years (dad). That left me with a bunch of cousins who were able to abuse me with impunity. Way back, mom kept her rel­a­tives in line.

Those peo­ple hate gays and lib­er­als and peo­ple with scary health issues. I was always the Black Sheep in the fam­ily, accord­ing to them. Now with­out my adopted parental units, they got together and labeled me a dis­eased pariah. They came out of church and called my hus­band all kinds of deplorable things.

All that sounds like the rel­a­tives in BRENT: THE HEART READER. I humil­i­ated those abu­siveabu­sive
➤ (s) express­ing offen­sive reproach
➤ (s) char­ac­ter­ized by phys­i­cal or psy­cho­log­i­cal mal­treat­ment
…by BeeDictionary.com
char­ac­ters in the book. I had some of them arrested and killed off one or two. It was great therapy.

Old say­ing: Don’t mess with an author because he can make the world laugh at you.

Now that my adopted par­ents are gone for more than a decade, I have no con­nec­tion with any of their rel­a­tives. In the­ory, I have a half-brother run­ning around some­where. He’d be a lit­tle older than me, but I’ve never heard any inklinginkling
➤ (n) a slight sug­ges­tion or vague under­stand­ing
…by BeeDictionary.com
that he even knows about me. My birth mother is dead, and I know almost noth­ing about the sperm donor. It was prob­a­bly a one night stand.

All I know about my per­sonal his­tory is that I am 100% Swedish. I remem­ber that they called me Sven before I was adopted.

So now, I’ve decided to fin­ish cut­ting the ties with all those peo­ple in my adopted fam­ily. They hate me, which is their loss. Peo­ple who know about atti­tudes say cut­ting the remain­ing ties will be therapeutic.

In the com­ing weeks, I’m going through the court sys­tem to get my name changed.

There won’t be a Win­field Wag­ner any more. My nick­name – Wynn Wag­ner – will become a nom de plumeplume
➤ (n) any­thing that resem­bles a feather in shape or light­ness
➤ (n) a feather or clus­ter of feath­ers worn as an orna­ment
➤ (n) the light horny water­proof struc­ture form­ing the exter­nal cov­er­ing of birds
➤ (v) rip off; ask an unrea­son­able price
➤ (v) be proud of
➤ (v) deck with a plume
➤ (v) clean with one’s bill
➤ (v) form a plume
➤ (v) dress or groom with elab­o­rate care
…by BeeDictionary.com
(or nom de guerre).

New name: Sven Andréas Wallin.

  • First name is what my actual name was.  Sven means kid or young one.
  • Mid­dle name – Andréas – is a form of Andrew. I really like Andréas.
  • Last name will be Wallin because my hus­band likes it. The name means val­ley or pasture.

My ini­tials will be SAW, which is a lit­tle snarky (cut­ting device, not the ocu­lar pro­ce­dure). The e-acute in my mid­dle name is on the edge of snooty, so that’ll be fun.

What I’m not used to is that the world is full of peo­ple named Sven Wallin. I am used to hav­ing free access for user names because nobody claims “wyn­nwag­ner” or “win­field­wag­ner”. Sadly “sven­wallin” is already in use at all the major web ser­vices. The world is crawl­ing with Sven Wallin peeps. On a recent check, I was lit­er­ally trip­ping over “sven­wallin” user names, so I will have to get used to being part of a crowd.

The name every­body knows – Wynn Wag­ner – will be my pen name. Sven Andréas Wallin will be my legal name.

The coolest part is that my hus­band is chang­ing his name too, so we will con­tinue shar­ing our fam­ily name. This time, It is OUR fam­ily name. Awwwww.….